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Venus Envy

Gael MacLean

When Women Ruled Rome: The Estrogen Empire Herstory edition


In ancient Rome, three women ride a sola-powered chariot.
Solar-powered chariot in ancient Rome.

Viewer Discretion Advised: Set in ancient Rome, the following scenes explore gender roles and societal norms. Any resemblance to actual historical figures is purely coincidental, as all names have been changed to protect the innocent (and not-so-innocent).


Rated BC-15 for occasional innuendo, mild language, and scenes depicting the horrors of men learning to embrace their emotions.


Fade up from black: High angle. Camera pans to a scene of the bustling streets of Rome. Citizens are cheerfully going about their business.


The city is spotless and orderly. Beautiful gardens and art installations are everywhere.


Sound up: The music of the all-woman band, The Vestal Virgins drifts through the streets. The lyre is a little out of tune.


Cut to: The Aqueducts — where a group of female engineers are discussing improvements.


ARCHINA TECTURA: I’ve developed a new filtration system that will make the water cleaner and safer to drink. Efficient and cost-effective, we will have all the water we need to drink and to clean with.


FULVIA GENIUSA: Excellent! And with the new recycling program, we can reduce waste and keep the city looking pristine. People will get a lot less sick. No more Lues Lockdown in our future.


BRIDGITA PONTIFEX: Plus, we’ve implemented a new irrigation system for the farms. It was so easy and inexpensive. We can now ensure a steady supply of fresh, healthy food for everyone.

Pesticide-Free Pomona Produce in abundance!


Cut to: The Pantheon — where a group of women priestesses are discussing religion.


FLAMINA DIVINITA: Holy mother of goddess! It’s time we update the pantheon to include more goddesses. We can’t keep worshipping male gods who just sit around drinking wine and causing drama.


CEREALIA FERTILIA: Agreed. And let’s replace Mars with a goddess of diplomacy and conflict resolution. We don’t need any more wars. Who needs a Pax Romana when you can have a Pax Femina?


SIBYLLINA PROPHESIA: While we’re at it, let’s create a goddess of education and learning. We should celebrate knowledge and wisdom, not just brute strength. And chariot size.


Cut to: The Forum — where a tall, stately woman is giving a speech about education reform.


ORATORINA INSPIRATA: The people have spoken, and we listened!

Education will be free and accessible for all! Regardless of your gender, disability, or social status.


It is a more equitable world with equal opportunities for everyone! This is the key to accelerating our progress at a multi-tasking pace!


The crowd stamps their feet and cheers loudly.


ORATORINA INSPIRATA: And from now on we will teach the importance of emotional intelligence and empathy in schools.


Our children will know how to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts peacefully, and care for one another.


The crowd grows wild. Stolas are ripped off and thrown in the air.


Cut to: The Streets of Rome — where a group of men are discussing the changes.


TOGA-TOTTER: I miss the days when we could just conquer new lands and bring back slaves. Now we have to pay people for their labor! And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to find a good slave these days.


CAESAR-PLEASER: And what’s with all this emphasis on art and culture? What happened to good old-fashioned blood sports? What are we going to do with all these lions?


CHARIOT-CHASER: (panting heavily after walking a few steps) I can’t even catcall women on the street anymore without getting dirty looks and lectures about respect. Even my kids give me the stink eye when I pinch women’s bums.


Woman: (overhears them and chimes in) Oh, please. You’re just mad because you have to work now instead of coasting on your privilege. Adapt or get left behind, boys! It’s our world now. Get over your Venus envy!


Cut to: The Roman Roads—where a group of female traffic operations specialists are discussing transportation.


VIANA ROADIOSA: It’s time we invest in more eco-friendly transportation options. Let’s develop a system of solar-powered chariots. Give those poor horses a break.


SIGNIA DIRECTRIX: The roads need to be well-maintained and accessible. To everyone, not just the wealthy elite. Let’s build a designated path for the plebians. And restrict the road to two or more per chariot at rush hour.


PORTICA GATEWAYA: We need more plebeian-friendly gathering spaces, like the Campus Martius. Encouraging leisurely strolls and wool-spinning circles. It’s good for our health and the economy!


Cut to: The Colosseum — where a group of women are watching a play. In the background, a clumsy actor trips over a prop, causing a domino effect of mishaps.


THEATRIA DRAMATURGIA: I’m so glad we replaced the gladiatorial games with theater and arts performances. It’s much more civilized. I do miss that edge-of-your-seat entertainment of blood sports, though. And I feel a wee bit guilty we put most of the gladiators out of work.


PICTORIA FRESCONIA: Thank goddess the concession stands now offer healthy snacks like garum-glazed dormice and silphium crudités instead of just panem et circenses! The gladiators have just moved to a smaller venue.


MAECENIA ARTEMIA: I love how the plays tackle important social issues and promote empathy and understanding. It’s so much more meaningful than watching people fight to the death. We should use the pantheon of pain for the farmers market.


Cut to: The Senate — where a group of women senators are discussing new legislation. One of the senators accidentally sits on a deflated wineskin, causing it to make a loud, flatulent noise and everyone to laugh.


LEGISLATIA REFORMIA: I propose we implement a universal healthcare system. No one should have to go into debt just to stay healthy. In our empire, we believe that healthcare is a right! Not a privilege! Unless you’re a gladiator, in which case, try to avoid the pointy end of the sword.


AMENDMENTA MODIFICA: No more neglecting mental health and the unique needs of new mothers. Our healthcare is like a puzzle with missing pieces. Let’s complete the picture by providing comprehensive care that leaves no one left behind. Gladiators included.


ORATORIA PERSUADRA: While we’re at it, let’s pass some stronger environmental protections. We need to preserve our natural resources for future generations. We’re implementing a new carbon tax to combat climate change. The Vestal Virgins will be in charge of collecting it since they’re used to managing coin.


Fade to black.


Sound up: The distant beats of the Sistrum drummers echo through the street.


Venus Envy: When Women Ruled Rome. Because when women are in charge, progress, equality, and compassion are the name of the game. A world that prioritizes cooperation over competition, empathy over aggression, and sustainability over short-term gains. In the Estrogen Empire, we don’t just lean in—we lean in, take charge, and redecorate the place!


It’s time for a new kind of empire, one that uplifts and empowers all its citizens, regardless of gender. If you’re ready for a world where women run the show and men learn to appreciate the finer things in life, like empathy and eco-friendly transportation, then come join us in the Estrogen Empire! Your chariot awaits, and it’s solar-powered.


Coming soon to a Colosseum near you!



 

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