THE WISDOM OF TARIFFS
- Gael MacLean
- 6 days ago
- 2 min read
Economic insights from people who slept through Economics 101
Advanced Lessons in Economic Self-Sabotage
The beauty of tariff policy lies in its magical job-creation mathematics. As leading tariff advocate Professor Ima Delusional explains:
“For every phantom manufacturing job we create — which, to be clear, exists primarily in press releases — we sacrifice merely 3 retail jobs, 4 shipping positions, 2 logistics coordinators, 5 customer service representatives, and 8 workers in downstream industries that can no longer afford raw materials.”
“But these numbers don’t matter,” she continues, adjusting her “Make Arithmetic Great Again” hat, “because manufacturing jobs have a certain gritty, photogenic quality that looks fantastic during factory tours. Can you imagine a politician cutting a ribbon at a logistics software company? Exactly.”
The Department of Economic Fantasy recently published their groundbreaking report, “How Paying More For Less Creates Prosperity.” The report conclusively proves that when consumers have less purchasing power and fewer product choices, they experience what experts call “patriotic wallet pain,” a sensation easily confused with actual poverty.
“The brilliance of tariffs,” explains Treasury Undersecretary Bucky Buckington III, “is that they’re essentially a tax that we convince people isn’t a tax by blaming other countries. When you pay an extra $800 for your refrigerator, you’re not paying a government-imposed fee — you’re striking a blow against foreign refrigerator aggression!” His groundbreaking economic theory, known as “Blame-o-nomics,” holds that the pain you feel in your wallet is actually prosperity you’re too stupid to recognize.
Senator Chip Vanderbiltmore, chairman of the Committee on Ignoring Consequences, recently championed the “Strategic Domino Toppling Act,” which imposes tariffs specifically designed to disrupt global supply chains that American companies spent decades building.
“Sure, our automobile industry needs those microchips from Taiwan, steel from South Korea, rubber from Thailand, and assembly in Mexico,” the Senator acknowledged while unveiling a car made entirely of American flags, “but wouldn’t you rather have a vehicle made of pure patriotism that costs twice as much and doesn’t actually run? I thought so.”
Widely quoted are the wise words of fictional economist John Maynard Painz: “The path to prosperity is paved with self-inflicted wounds. If your economy isn’t bleeding, you’re not trying hard enough.”
Image ©2025 Gael MacLean
