Canine cosmetic surgery
I was back in Palm Springs for a conference. It was nothing new—the cosmetic surgery billboards on every corner. Facelifts, bum work, suck out that tummy, same old, same old.
But on this trip a new one caught my eye.
“Is your furry little porker packing more flab than a Thanksgiving turkey? With our new liposuction techniques, your pup will be rocking a six-pack faster than you can say—good boy.”
Was this a joke? I thought it must be an ad for a new comedy show.
And then a few blocks down.
“Sculpt the Perfect Sniffer. With our deluxe nose job package, we’ll reshape your dog’s schnoz into a work of art. How about a cute little button nose? Prefer a regal Roman nose? Bundled with a free rhinestone stud for that extra touch of bling. Your dog will be sniffing butts in style.”
WTF! Okay, not a joke. Next up was…
“Perk Up Your Pup’s Puppies. No one wants to see your pup’s nipples dragging on the ground like a pair of fuzzy tube socks. With our cutting-edge breast reduction surgery, we’ll have those puppies perked up and ready to party! Your dog will be the talk of the dog park, leaving all the other bitches green with envy.”
TMI. I covered my dog’s eyes as we passed the next one. And the next one. And the ….
“A facelift to get rid of those unsightly jowls.”
“Botox to smooth out those wrinkles and give your pup a perpetually surprised expression.”
“A doggy tummy tuck, so your pooch can rock a crop top without any unsightly muffin top spillage.”
And the grand finale just as we pulled into the hotel.
“Our most exclusive canine procedure: the full-body fur replacement. We’ll strip your dog of their dull, ordinary coat and replace it with luxurious, custom-dyed fur in the color of your choice. Neon pink poodle? Chrome-plated Chihuahua? Rainbows are us!
Your dog will be a walking, barking work of art.
Sigh
It’s not enough for us humans to nip, tuck, and bedazzle ourselves into oblivion. Now we’ve got to impose our shallow beauty standards on our four-legged friends. Because heaven forbid Snoopy’s love handles detract from our perfectly curated Instagram aesthetic.
I told the Uber driver to turn around and take us back to the airport. We were done with Palm Springs and a world me and my pup wanted no part of.
Although, purple highlights might be nice.
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