A guide for the morally bankrupt
In this dog-eat-dog world, who has time for hard work and ethical behavior? That’s for suckers and Boy Scouts. If you’re looking to make a quick buck without lifting a finger, I can help.
Follow these ten foolproof methods and watch the cash roll in while your conscience takes a permanent vacation. It’s time to get rich or die trying. Scratch the last part. Just focus on getting rich.
Become a Social Media Influencer
Why bother creating something of value when you can get paid to post pictures of yourself pretending to enjoy products you secretly despise? The more vapid and narcissistic, the better. Bonus points if you can exploit a social cause while peddling overpriced beverages.
Start a Pyramid Scheme
Convince your gullible friends and family they too can achieve financial freedom by selling overpriced essential oils or virility supplements. Just don’t mention that the only way to make money is by recruiting more suckers. It’s not a scam—it’s multi-level marketing. Totally legit. Sort of.
Marry Rich and Divorce Quick
Why waste time building a career when you can just leech off someone else’s success? Charm your way into the heart, and bank account, of a wealthy victim, then file for divorce faster than you can say prenup. Just make sure to hire a good lawyer and practice your crocodile tears.
Fake an Injury and Sue
Who needs a job when you can make a living off frivolous lawsuits? Slip on a strategically placed trail of guacamole at your local grocery store or spill scalding coffee on yourself and blame the restaurant. The more outrageous the claim, the bigger the settlement. Think of the good you can do in the world with all that money. Wink, wink.
Become a Life Coach
No qualifications? No problem! In the era of self-help gurus, anyone can become a life coach. Just spout some pseudo-inspirational nonsense, charge exorbitant fees, pretend you love them, and watch as desperate people hand over their hard-earned cash for your worthless advice.
Sell Useless Products Online
From weight loss teas to detox supplements, just slap an all-natural label on your snake oil and watch the orders pour in. There’s no shortage of gullible consumers willing to buy anything that promises a quick fix. Who cares if it doesn’t work? When they finally realize they’ve been duped, you’ll be sipping margaritas on a beach far away.
Pimp Out Your Pets on the ‘Gram
Why should you be the only one whoring yourself out on the internet? Dress up your pets in ridiculous outfits, force them to perform stupid tricks, and watch as the likes and sponsorship deals roll in. Just don’t be surprised when your furry friends plot their revenge on you. You have to sleep sometime.
Pretend to Be a Psychic
Prey on people’s fears and insecurities by claiming to have mystical powers. Tell them what they want to hear, and watch as they empty their wallets for your vague and useless predictions. Just hope no one catches on to your supernatural swindling techniques and calls you out for the fraud you are. You will get spiritual real quick if you are dead.
Invent a Useless App
In a world where people are willing to pay for apps that simulate drinking beer or popping bubble wrap, the possibilities are endless. Just come up with a dumb idea, hire a programmer, and watch as the downloads—and dollars—pour in. Who cares if your app crashes every five minutes? By the time people realize it’s useless, you’ll have already cashed out. And moved on. Sam Bankman-Fried has nothing on you.
Blame Your Lack of Success on Everyone Else
When all else fails, just play the victim. Blame your laziness and lack of accomplishments on society, the government, your parents, or anyone else you can think of. Take to social media and whine about how unfair life is. Start a GoFundMe page and let everyone take pity on you and give you a handout. It’s never your fault! Stick to your story.
Ten surefire ways to make money without breaking a sweat. Success isn’t measured by hard work, integrity, or contribution to society. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a get-rich-quick scheme to attend to. I would be happy to dial you in for a nominal fee, drop your bank access into the comments.
Disclaimer: The author of this piece is not responsible for any legal troubles, financial ruin, or karmic retribution that may result from following this advice. Proceed at your own risk, and maybe re-evaluate your life choices while you’re at it.
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